Von Hippel-Lindau

Von Hippel-Lindau. Angiomatosis, hemangioblastomas, pheochromocytoma, pancreatic cysts and tumors, renal cell carcinoma, and probably a Transylvanian savings and loan.

Neurofibromatosis

With more cafe au lait than Starbucks, and more sub-cateneous lumps than Stephen Hawking's homemade mashed potatoes, neurofibromatosis has got it going on. Season with groin freckles and serve hot. Don't get me started on type 2.

Logo Swap

I started making the blueprints for a time machine that I could use to go back in time to when Jesus opened the first McDonald's. I was going to convince him to use a different ad-agency to design his logo, and eventually I was also going to do the same thing to Judas and his Burger King. Anyway, I spent too much time trying to think up a kickass name for my time machine, so I just made the would-have-been logos instead.



The logos may have changed, but the post drive-thru diarrhea would still be in full force.



I still don't have a name for my time machine. I blame the medical logos for not letting me think of anything past Back to the Suture.

Sturge-Weber Syndrome

I couldn't find any "real" evidence relating Sturge-Weber Syndrome to Soviet Russia, but even Colombo could put this one together. Port-wine stains, glaucoma, seizures and mental retardation? You'd have to have an arteriovenous malformation in the cerebrum to miss the connection.

Tuberous Sclerosis

Tuberous sclerosis is the secret ingredient to get benign tumors to grow in your kidneys. Other tumor playgrounds include the brain, heart, eyes, lungs, and skin, but I only have the artistic talent to draw a bean.

Tuberous most definitely means "potato-ey" and sclerosis, like any other word starting with three consonants, means something real bad. Bad potatoes = tumors. Medicine is easy.

Plubersons

Three characteristics of Plubersons that I can remember: it makes your calves itch, something-something bloodflow, and it's still currently unrecognized by "good" doctors.

Locked-In Syndrome

Sometimes the basilar artery doesn't want your pons to have blood, and why should it? I've only heard good things about vegetables.

Locked-in syndrome might just be the one thing keeping you from a book deal.

Bartonella Hanselae, Incorporated.

Tired of your scrawny unswollen lymph glands? Don't you wish your body temperature was closer to 98.6 -- Celsius? Lost your window to get hepatitis from Pamela Anderson-Lee-Rock-Anderson? (Not the same type, yeah I know, shush.)

Try some bartonella hanselae, or it's hairier and sweatier name, "cat-scratch fever."